Tinto

Unwind with glasses of wine, feel fine

talk of the past and share laughs.

Once you’ve broken the seal

one tends to reveal and release.

Secrets leak out and the truth

fights to vomit out the mouth.

BLACK OUT

Red red wine stained lips whisper

“I’m fine, just going to bed.”

Eyes closed and reopen,

I’m floating in a blood red ocean.

Exhausted and trying to stay buoyant,

nose above water,

in a panic as my jib fills with fluid.

I’m coughing,

I’m drowning…

Pulled up from my shirt

I regain sight of light and

see that my Burmese queen had saved my life.

“Are you okay?” she cries.

Covered in the red red wine we used to unwind.

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Live and Let Live

My life is like a quarry, where what’s valuable is dug deep, underneath this thick crust-skin

Those who dare mine the gold in my mind, declare it to be extraordinary

Though most seek the jewels & glory of saying they took what’s good from me

Like a fool I stoop low for letting another abuse me.

NO MORE

For I am the generator of this diamond-like energy

I must have responsibility, to share my love with only those that are worthy.

Now, go out there n tell my story for it’s the only way I’ll keep living

Even when I’ve returned to the essence.

Withdrawals

They say that you’re one of the few that doesn’t make you drool in pain when you’re far away

Some claim that you’re a miracle that can cure the hysterical without any repercussions to one’s mental health

I say that though that may be true, let’s not ignore that most of us abuse you

Acting like a fool when i’m in the clouds dancing with you, i can see why most just use you to “feel good”

I’ve noticed that i’m still the same person, even when you’re gone.

The days I’ve spent away have helped me understand that you’re just my crutch

Supporting me up because i haven’t worked on myself enough

To be honest the only withdrawal you have is boredom

L Word

Listen carefully to each rhythmically thump my heart pumps to a beat,

Observe the beauty flourishing within this being.

Venture away with me and see how

Everything is better when its you n me against the grain of these mean streets…

Mistakes made turn into lessons and we learn from our previous situations.

Enforcing the self growth needed to realize one’s worth

Understand that i’m struggling to do this alone, but never forfeiting.

Negligent when beat and tired, but not losing sight of what keeps me inspired.

Cease fire and hold the attack, 

Offer aid to liberate from drowning in one’s own dread.

Notice, i no longer want to hide away behind the words i’m too afraid to say,

Demonstrating that i’m making changes, allowing myself to start “growing.”

I intend to mend the bends in my heart, keeping me from reaching “dreams.”

Telling tales of the battles where i prevail and not holding the times i’ve failed.

Intellectual and admirable, i’d like to be without appearing so off-putting.

Onstage i’m vulnerable, but stonewall my emotions when away from the rostrum. So

Nab the mic and let your words take flight

Allow your heart to coincide with mine,

Let me love you that way i do, hard.

Lacerating the pain away.

Yearning for those 3 words that left me torn, but i’m relearning though i’m scorned.

Trusting Trust

Quietly bumbled and buzzed into sight, a finely tuned specimen possessing endless light. Swiped in the direction of the mind’s eye and happy it coincided on the other side. Restaurants, bars, tango classes and biology practice. She’s a Kataract, cascading with style, Technical and exact, making every experience worthwhile. Her jive is to be the architect of her hive and this bee’s honey comes in the form of sweet music. I’m digging her vibe and Cc:’ed those surrounding a compilation of beats produced by this infamous killah bee. Cheddar cheesing when we’re buzzing together, however allergic is one to be stung, fatal effects occur, yet stuck to her like gum. This serenading sorcerer is flavourful, sweet and knows exactly how to make a heartbeat weep. I’m asking myself, “Could this be the one bee incapable of killing me?”

Buzzing together and it feels like we’re flying, but I’m slowly dying from another’s sharp stings to my heart. Not holding back the truth I say to you, “She broke me in two. So ‘trust’ is something ‘new.’” We promised to only speak the truth, because we’ve both been victims of lies’ abuse. Your wounds and words assure me of your understanding and if it wasn’t for you, I’d probably never go to therapy and/or share my writings. I admire your maturity and ability to respond and not react. Though you get me, I’m still struggling with the damage I’ve been ignoring to start repairing. We talk about mental health and you recommend seeking psychiatric assistance. “I’m not here to give answers or tell what to do, but I wan’t to help you. I’ll just be at your side during this painful ride.” Were your words to me, that I took gladly, but I was hoping you’d fix me. I really wish I met you before I got so f*cked up. “This isn’t fair, I don’t wan’t to keep you waiting” are my words to communicate my heart’s uncertainties. It’s becoming clear to me that I must singularly face my daemons.

Talks with my therapist end with dripping eye sockets and I’m glad you acknowledge what must happen. With a smile you say, “It’s ok, maybe we’ll see each other again someday.” I sigh in relief and smile back. Then you quietly threw, “But there’s one thing, I know it’s not me so I’m questioning you, have you been romantic with anyone else?” Not shocked because we both have issues with trust, but I am pissed because I’ve never hidden anything from you. I respected and valued you enough to not mix in another’s chemicals. I say, “No. Plus we promised another that we trusted to tell the other if we would ever.” Your skeptical look and shake of your head say you doubt what I said. My words can only say so much and you’re not letting my actions talk. I’m speaking truth but it isn’t enough and you left with mouthful of sour tastebuds. Though you may still think ill of me, I only have nice things to say about thee. I’m glad you came into my life and I’ve learned a lot from our time together. We tried this experiment and tested the hypothesis of trust. But scientists test theories and may comeback with different lab results, you came back positive and ready to debate. As I’m staring at my negative results wondering if it’s really me who’s made the mistake.

Gonorrhea

You Remind Me…

The similarities in our distinct histories are scary. The script conducting our lives seems plagiarized and this doesn’t feel like our first time. Though we reside in different continents our life experiences are of the same content. Mixed genetics label us ethnically ambiguous, we’re a pair of cultured artists with hearts of revolutionary activists. Identical backstab wounds explain our trust issues and I shake when we both say, “he/she was the same way.” We met at Cilandak for endless talks, sisha that we never got, drinks and planed to visit Kota Tua. Laughing and sipping whisky, i’m delighted by her presence genuinely and frightened at our similar life stories. We made good use of our time together, train tours and sight seeing, enjoying another’s company. Alcohol takes over and impairs what I see, my blurry vision is raising insecurities ‘cause the posture of the silhouette across from me is aggressively familiar. I’m loving but questioning her mannerisms and particular gestures. She’s able to finish each other’s sentences and I’m feeling connected in all senses. But its too familiar. It doesn’t help that her face and smile are similar even her posture and behavior. I’m pacing in my head, because I’m being reminded of who’m I dread. Usher’s tune “You remind me of a girl I once knew” talks truth he says, “It’s unfair to relate her ignorance to you, wish I knew how to separate the two.” He knows how I’m feeling. Because I hate that I’m looking at you but seeing her. Being reminded of the pain she put me through, I cover with a smile through our feast of food. Laughs are spewed and a few brews are had. We’re talking story and sipping glad. Through the jokes you say “You’re just like my dad.” Not sure what you meant by it I sit perplexed. Though I’m proud of my restraint for not saying, “you’re just like my ex.”