Trusting Trust

Quietly bumbled and buzzed into sight, a finely tuned specimen possessing endless light. Swiped in the direction of the mind’s eye and happy it coincided on the other side. Restaurants, bars, tango classes and biology practice. She’s a Kataract, cascading with style, Technical and exact, making every experience worthwhile. Her jive is to be the architect of her hive and this bee’s honey comes in the form of sweet music. I’m digging her vibe and Cc:’ed those surrounding a compilation of beats produced by this infamous killah bee. Cheddar cheesing when we’re buzzing together, however allergic is one to be stung, fatal effects occur, yet stuck to her like gum. This serenading sorcerer is flavourful, sweet and knows exactly how to make a heartbeat weep. I’m asking myself, “Could this be the one bee incapable of killing me?”

Buzzing together and it feels like we’re flying, but I’m slowly dying from another’s sharp stings to my heart. Not holding back the truth I say to you, “She broke me in two. So ‘trust’ is something ‘new.’” We promised to only speak the truth, because we’ve both been victims of lies’ abuse. Your wounds and words assure me of your understanding and if it wasn’t for you, I’d probably never go to therapy and/or share my writings. I admire your maturity and ability to respond and not react. Though you get me, I’m still struggling with the damage I’ve been ignoring to start repairing. We talk about mental health and you recommend seeking psychiatric assistance. “I’m not here to give answers or tell what to do, but I wan’t to help you. I’ll just be at your side during this painful ride.” Were your words to me, that I took gladly, but I was hoping you’d fix me. I really wish I met you before I got so f*cked up. “This isn’t fair, I don’t wan’t to keep you waiting” are my words to communicate my heart’s uncertainties. It’s becoming clear to me that I must singularly face my daemons.

Talks with my therapist end with dripping eye sockets and I’m glad you acknowledge what must happen. With a smile you say, “It’s ok, maybe we’ll see each other again someday.” I sigh in relief and smile back. Then you quietly threw, “But there’s one thing, I know it’s not me so I’m questioning you, have you been romantic with anyone else?” Not shocked because we both have issues with trust, but I am pissed because I’ve never hidden anything from you. I respected and valued you enough to not mix in another’s chemicals. I say, “No. Plus we promised another that we trusted to tell the other if we would ever.” Your skeptical look and shake of your head say you doubt what I said. My words can only say so much and you’re not letting my actions talk. I’m speaking truth but it isn’t enough and you left with mouthful of sour tastebuds. Though you may still think ill of me, I only have nice things to say about thee. I’m glad you came into my life and I’ve learned a lot from our time together. We tried this experiment and tested the hypothesis of trust. But scientists test theories and may comeback with different lab results, you came back positive and ready to debate. As I’m staring at my negative results wondering if it’s really me who’s made the mistake.

Gonorrhea

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