Full Circle: History Repeats [3/3]

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Part 3 – Full Circle [“I’m almost 30 and you got me acting like a teenager”]

Life is a funny beast. It evolves (you never get to see its final form) and manipulates your surroundings; every action, ripples and creates the “butterfly effect” {“If it’s meant to be, then it’ll come back to me.”}. Years sum and add up, I’ve established myself in Hawai‘i and I’m LOVING IT! I’ve matured from a retail store manager, to a collegiately educated “WOKE” professional. The decisions I’ve made throughout my life come with no regrets; I take them all as “learning experiences.” {Failed relationship after another} Loving living my life, never staying complacent and always pursuing more. “I’m not stopping until I see my name on billboards,” was a common inner thought I repeated to myself. Every time I sign anything, I still always say, “This signature will cost a lot of money one day.” I am the GOD of my own universe and it’s no secret. But the one thing I can’t seem to master is finding a GODDESS to accompany me, especially one who I share that unspeakable connection with. I keep searching to suffice that void. Constantly hunting for anyone who can ignite that fire inside of me, preferably at first sight. {“Hmmm, well, there’s only one person that I know has that… I wonder what SHE and her boyfriend are up to?”} As years kept passing and mistakes keep happening. My happiness is spread out too thin.

Lost and heartbroken from handing my entirety over to those who just use me. I self-abuse and consequently harm others, like a romance-junkie with withdrawals looking to get his fix. When that love drug consumes you and it’s gone {like she is} you’ll degrade yourself to get a taste of it, threatening people for love, “C’mon baby, we can work this out… Please don’t leave me alone, I’ll even perform cunnilingus wherever, whenever, promise.” When it goes to shit and you’re all used up, feeling like you can’t go down on life any lower, the only way to go further, is back up. Reminiscing with my support system and breaking down to my therapist, “I guess I just miss that sensation of bliss. You know, when someone makes your heartbeat skip?” {“I wonder if she even remembers me… or thinks about that weird connection we shared.”} Time keeps flying by and my life is progressing for the better. Moved back to SoCal, constantly maturing, living, adapting and making things happen. Writer, business owner, avid reader, judoka, poet and performer. I’m beginning to get comfortable with myself and coincidentally SHE starts making subtle appearances in my life again. {“Whoa, can it be!? @[she_who_got_away] is seeing my stories, liking my pictures and even commenting!? Nah nah nah, ok ok ok… Well, she’s still all the way over there. It wouldn’t hurt to comment back, right?”}. We haven’t “seen” or “talked” to each other in like 6+ years!

I keep my distance and play the social media game. She still looks puuurfect, stunning and mouthwateringly classy. {“College graduate and an active member in the workforce. Seems like our lives turned out pretty good after all.”}. Confidence is brewing and her pictures have me drooling, I decide to at least vocalize what she’s doing to me. “D A M N” and “U G H” are seriously the only things that come out of me, because her beauty is just so damn disturbing. I’m truly trying to be sincere and express admiration at her classy sassy presentation. Like the millennials we are, our common vernacular is weird and off, I’m shocked that my “fuck-boy’esque” comments would spark a reaction. Cowboy hat emojis, “thank you” and “hope you’re doing good” were the limited initial responses from the goddess. Time passes and our conversation surpasses two sentences. I try to make an impression and plant a seed in her mental cavity. I ask for thoughts and help on one of my joints, she gladly started dropping science. I’m smiling profusely at the fact that we’re talking. Even though life’s passed, progressed and there may be no hope for a romantic relationship, I’m just happy to know she hasn’t completely forgotten about me. “Thanks for thinking about me :)” she says and I quickly respond, “Well, you’re not someone easy to forget.” “haha, likewise!” she replies {“oooooof, she’s got me spinning in my seat and I shouldn’t take that comment flirtatiously… BUT GHAD D A M N she’s toying with me, again.”}. Time continues to tick on by and I’m living life. Loving thyself, the world is my playground and though I’m still “by myself,” I’m “content.” {“Still looking to be convinced that not all people suck.”}

The 2000s are almost 20, though we’ve constantly seen each other through pictures, I can’t process what it would be like to see another tangibly in person {and I wonder, “does she ponder about the same thing?”}. We’re steadily in observance of another’s instastories, I’m still dropping “D A M N” at every post and ecstatic to see I haven’t been ghosted. It’s the beginning of summer and it’s HOTT, I’m relaxing at home, grip my phone and see that @[she_who_got_away] is about 15mins from where I stay! {“HOLY SHIT! DO I SAY SOMETHING!? ERRMEHGHERD!!!”} Pacing around throughout my house, trying to figure out what to say, I vent to canela looking for a response and then laugh staring at my dog’s stare that blared, “NUT UP OR SHUT UP!” Deep breath in, exhale out all the maluka. “So, you’re in SD…?” I say to she. I’m shaking and questioning if I shouldn’t’ve said anything. I calm the nerves with a toke of THC, in hopes of a response saying, shit, anything…

Not immediately, @[she_who_got_away] replies, “Yesss” accompanied by a questionably awkward emoji {“ok, O K A Y. Let’s obtain this grain!”}. She then mentions the reason of her short stay; I take no time and recommend, “Well, if you finagle some freetime, it’d be nice to exchange words through a different avenue rather than just insta. Lemme know.” In a quick reply, the goddess enacts, “I’d love that!” Similar, to the first time we met, I hand her the 11-digit means of communication with me and we fight her flight for a time to meet. She conducts an informal interview before being seen and says, “I mean a lot happens in like 6 years so I don’t even know where to begin… Interesting how history repeats.” Together we plan to meet at the mall, to then venture off for some alcohol. {“Holy shit, this is really happening. WHAT THE F*CK am I going to say!? I hope to not f*ck this up…”} Getting ready to reunite with @[she_who_got_away], staring at myself in the bathroom’s mirror, smiling profusely and giggling freely. I sit, reminisce about how it all began and chuckle at how I thought I’d never see her again. Before departing I text her, “Holy shit, can’t believe this is happening” and she replies, “believe it!” {“This is F*CKING BANANAS. Don’t try so hard and let whatever happen, happen. Ok, O K A Y. LET’S WRESTLE THIS PRETZEL!”}

I’d never been so happy to drive to the mall, the entire way I’m singing along to sappy songs, smiling and waving to all the gentiles out soaking the sun. No longer questioning if it’ll go well since I’m not expecting anything but only to reunite and play catch-up with an old “acquaintance.” I maintain my sanity by repeating “its ok, you’re just talking.” I park my truck and buck off the nervousness. I can’t help but stress about how she might react and hoping she won’t backout. The entire walk to the front doors I’m prep talking and psyching myself up {“Fuck this is it, storm through the doors and try not to floor it. Ok, O K A Y. Lets collect this baguette!”}. “Hey, I’m coming in HOTT!” hitting send and walking through the sliding doors, I soon realize I’m entering murky waters. Like a savage gator, she peaks over the swap of shopping bags on the couches where she laid waiting. Not knowing how to fend off her luring and devouring exquisiteness, it feels like I’m frozen and gliding on ice towards her before realizing I’m standing in front thy face. She’s sleek, slender and sassy, the same culprit leaving me immobile in previous years. {“HOLY SH*T, she’s still gorgeous. Nothing has changed, I’m getting those steel-winged butterflies pounding my stomach again.”} “GHAD DAMN you look good! I can’t believe I’m actually seeing you!” she then replies in a likewise manner. We stand still, hug and giggle. In between our laughter we constantly remind another of how we can’t believe we’re actually seeing each other. Nervously I initiate conversation wishing to know more about events passed in the time we’ve been distant. Making our way to the sushi bar she laughs and says, “Hey, didn’t we get the same when you first visited me up north?” {“D A M N… she remembers a small detail. Don’t overhype this, you two are just catching up. Plus, that 2012 summer-puppy-love is too juvenile for her maturity. Ok, O K A Y. Let’s solicit this biscuit!”}

The entirety of our time shared together was pure ecstasy. Her smile oozes charms that sedate any who stands before it, her lexis is complex enough to show higher education but contemporarily fun, and I can talk forever, complementing, about how grand she is. {“Ok O K AY, lets take this cake.”} We fancy a pint and begin to catch up. A smile never escaped our faces with the same sensations of bliss that I would reminisce. Laughing and trading stories, we clear up misconceptions about some previous events. Back and forth, call and response. There is never a moment of silence and no awkward moment in sight. Our conversation segways into a marathon of, “do you remember when?…” Smiles, giggles, embarrassed blushes, “OH MY GODS” and more flood out of our mouths. {“Her every laugh makes me quake, I just want to slide my fingers through her hair…”} “Yeah, we’re gonna order one more” dismissing the waitress away, to not miss any second of the anomaly happening in front of me. Her every giggle between sips makes me fickle and buckle. Though we’re playing and joking around, there’s a serious emotional “tension” pulsating throughout my body {“she liked you as a boy, and you question if she likes the ‘man’ version of you. Well, you still feel the connection, does she?”}. Time is ticking by slowly and we’re sipping gladly trading stories. Sad and heartwarming, we catch up on pretty much everything. She questions my status as single and I told her the tragic tale resulting with me being regurgitated back to life. We sigh and acknowledge the mishaps of life, she apologizes and I say, “Well, some people suck and you can’t really do much about it.” She laughs, says, “true” sips on her brew and before she could continue conversation I interrupt, “well, are you seeing anyone?” With the same confidence that I’ve been craving she calmly says no. I’m cheddar cheesing on the inside and trying to keep my composure on the outside. Continuing our awesome conversations and laughing constantly, we wrap up our sit down and begin our head back to the mall. {“She’s doing something,  and it isn’t just arousal. How can it be that though we haven’t talked or anything, it feels like nothing has changed?”} Before hitting the road she says (as if she’s in my head), “Isn’t it weird how we kinda went full circle?” Timidly laughing I concur with her statement and surprised to hear it followed with, “feels like nothing changed :)” {“HOLY SHIT!!!”}

Her statement fucked me up more than blunt & whiskey crossfades. I’m trying my best to not start sweating like a priest in a little league game and in a heartful way I say, “yeah, I know what you mean.” {“I’m really trying not to crash this truck, but fuck! Her gut-busting smirk has my heart in a rut and I’m feeling dizzy from her words.”} The short ride back felt marvelously perpetual. I’m cherishing every millisecond with her. I’ve finally been reunited with that spark that makes my heart bark. It’s satisfying enough knowing that “whatever this is, it still exists.” My words are unable to adequately give justice to the feeling she gives me, but believe me this, “she’s extraordinary.” Arriving to the mall and wishing this won’t be our final farewell, I scurry in a hurry for excuses to continue hanging out with the goddess. We dash to the mall’s Target, playing through the aisles and joking around with the products. Bliss is an understatement for how she makes me feel. Every step funneling our bodies closer, going from arms reach in distance, to walking in unison as we embrace another without letting go. Holding hands and childlike behaviour flourishing, stopping constantly to just look into each other’s eyes. {“I’m happy, she’s making me H A P P Y. I gotta let her know what she’s doing to me. ok, O K A Y. Let’s elope this loaf!”} Walking through the passages (we’ve already circled the entire store at least 4x) and every step I’m saying to myself “do it, say it,” conjoined at the hip we whip and waltz into a crafts aisle, flippantly checking out the merchandise, she gives me a hug and before I could spew out my feelings… {*FUCKING BANGO!*} She starts to massage my lips using her own. A kiss so aggressively gingerly. Our initial mouth-embrace was light (like when we were young), holding back the savagery of our natural beings. Pulling back my head to see if I’m not being pranked. My legs are shaking and heart is racing from seeing her smile after she planted a kiss on me. {“She’s not the only one trying to get this bread. Is she hungrier than me?”}

We laugh, stare at each other and then back at it again. We impregnated the aisles of the store with our lustful allure. Like teenagers again, hiding from cameras, running around, laughing and friskily kissing. Knowing and “respecting” where we were at, we held back… you know, kept it PG/PG-13ish? “I’m almost 30 and you got me acting like a teenager,” I tell her as I fretfully laugh. Desecrating our status as adults through the gangways of the mall, she receives a call, saying its time to wrap up and head home. Just like before, I’m salty and sore that she has to go once more. She decides to walk me to my truck (almost as if she was looking for excuses to hang a little bit more). We talk, exchanging words of frustration about our current situation. What was felt as lost, now feels found and it’s about to head out of town. We kiss and make-out, in no pout, since “something” brought us back together after all this time. “I don’t think this will be our last time seeing each other again, whatever happens, happens” she says. {“She’s fucking toying with my head again and I’m loving every second of it!”} Mirroring our previous encounters, we talked non-stop. Flirtatious and erotic, mature and stoic. It feels like nothing has changed. I sit dreading the following day, when this summer-puppy-love with depart again, while reading texts from her saying, “Loved seeing you, I knew I would!” {“This is exactly what I’ve been craving, and she’s drowned with what I’m thirsting. Her life is still over there and I’m over here… I GOTTA SEE HER ONE MORE TIME!”} “I’ll hate myself so much if I don’t see you one more time before you leave.” – “Well, you could meet me at the airport before my flight.” The only time we could congregate between our schedules was 1.5hrs before her flight. I didn’t care if it was 30mins, I needed to see her. She questioned my sanity when agreeing to meet right before her departure. “It’s my decision.” I firmly countered. {“Lets jump to the airport parkinglot…”}

Our orchestrated attack was conducted flawlessly. We coordinated our arrivals to the airport, giving her enough time to be dismissed from her family, before I give the proper blessing and farewell. {“Fuck, this is it. Like really it, who knows when/if we’ll ever see each other again.”} We park the truck in the airports lot and I begin, “I’m glad to be given the opportunity to make new memories with you.” Retorting similarly, her words penetrated my chest. The mood is somber compared to yesterday’s clamor. But the feeling isn’t sour, more bittersweet than ever. She’s the [Ray] of sunshine that brightens my day and soon she’ll be drifting away. Coinciding in thought we mention our appreciation for the moment we’re sharing. We kiss and dismiss all the people walking around us. The two cubs that rolled around on the carpet, grew and began to tussle in my truck. Gripping her thigh and caressing her back, kissing her neck and pulling her hair. Staring into another’s eyes before attacking our oral orifices…. {Ok, O K A Y. Let’s not turn this into an erotic novel.”} Everything flows with her and our true raw selves are unshelled amongst each other. Our emotions crashing into another likes rouge waves. Destroying everything in their way. Animalistically yet classy she reciprocates my actions. Catching our breath and laughing we quickly deny the approaching closing time. {“FUCK THIS IS GONNA SUCK”} We walk towards the folks at TSA and I’m wishing to just say, “[Ray] please don’t go! STAY!” It hurts to admit this miss will leave in a few minutes. We walk slower and talk longer, we kiss and tell another “I’m going to miss this.” {“Thank you, really thank you.”} She assures me of her deep belief in us meeting again someday, maybe by fate and plants one final kiss before fading away through TSA. “Who knows maybe you’ll up in sac for a business meeting or something… Maybe you’ll be there in August?..” she declares. Though the Ray faded away, my days remain bright. I go without fright because this experience brought life. “We still have a lot of life to live. We’re currently in different areas. After my past experience, I’m happy with just respecting what’s realistically tangible. Life brought us together more than once. So, whatever happens, happens… I just wanna say thank you for reassuring me that though some people suck, there’s still hope in others :)”

2019

{“It’s funny how history repeats. We’ve come full circle.”}

To Be Continued?

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